theworstpersonintheworld:

A few months ago I posted an aspect “test” that made some of you laugh. Here’s the other half of it: A class “test” based on the way people drive.

Lord: Honks and screams throughout his two hour commute. Randomly floors the gas pedal or slams the brakes. Cuts people off without signalling. Bribes and blackmails his way out of speeding tickets. Has a vanity license plate that reads “NMR1 BOSS.”

Witch: Hauls scrap metal in a flatbed truck with an engine she’s rebuilt five times. Sings and dances to rap and country while waiting in the drivethru. Pulls over sobbing uncontrollably after seeing a dead deer on the side of the road.

Prince: Weaves in and out of traffic. Tailgates people who won’t let him pass. Drifts into a U-turn at full speed while sipping a latte and booking plane tickets on his phone. Never wears a seatbelt. Never looks in the rear view mirror except to fix his hair.

Thief: Pulls up behind you and leans on the horn just as the light turns green. Speeds past you on the wrong side of the road to beat you to the next red light. Opens her sunroof so she can give you the finger. There are no other cars on the road.

Knight: Stays up late restoring his ‘67 Mustang. Revs the engine loud enough to wake the entire neighborhood. Wears eleven different Mustang T-shirts in rotation. Joins conversations just so he can change the subject to Mustangs. Rides the bus to work.

Maid: Pulls over to ask a stranger for directions. Gets upset that their explanation was insufficiently clear and spends the next half hour lecturing them about interpersonal communication. Owns a GPS. Has no idea how to use it.

Mage: Wanders around back roads for two hours looking for a shortcut. Gets lost while daydreaming about Pokemon. Has fuzzy dice on the rear view mirror, an anime figure on the dashboard, decals on the hood, and a bumper sticker that says “my other car is a cdr.”

Sylph: Shows up unannounced to take you to the farmer’s market. Buys exactly one sweet potato. Decides, upon dropping you off, that the sweet potato belongs to you. Remains in your driveway with her engine idling and balances her checkbook.

Rogue: Drives a 1986 Toyota with missing wipers, missing seat cushions, two burnt out taillights, a broken muffler, a huge crack in the windshield, and a radio stuck on a Spanish-only news station. Doesn’t speak a word of Spanish. Sleeps in the back seat with the garbage.

Heir: Heads down the road at a normal speed like a normal person. Notices you standing on the curb. Stops and waits for you to cross. Rolls down his window to smile warmly and tell you he hopes you have a nice day. You’ve never met this guy.

Seer: Takes a taxi. Breathes in sharply when the driver forgets to signal, speeds up to catch a light, or gets within ten feet of another car. Keeps asking if they’re lost. Can’t understand the driver’s accent and constantly asks him to repeat himself.

Bard: Drives in the fast lane at half the speed limit. Cuts across three lanes of traffic with his left blinker on to get in the right lane. Misses his exit. Shifts into reverse to go back to it. Parks in the wrong driveway. Falls asleep at the wheel with the engine running.

Page: Gets a used Volkswagen with the steering wheel on the wrong side. Doesn’t understand what the clutch is for. Stalls the engine at every stop sign. Learns to parallel park just so he can stay out of the parking garage.

Muse: Owns three thousand pairs of roller skates. Never leaves the house.