How to Know When it’s Time to Take a Break from Supporting Your Friend

dogmatta:

missmentelle:

My whole life, I have been the friend that everyone turns to when they have problems. I have been the one to stay up all night, texting back and forth with a depressed friend. My apartment is the place where others turn up unannounced when they’ve just been dumped. I almost missed a final exam once because I was at the hospital all night with a friend. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned from all these experiences, it’s this: helping a friend in crisis is freaking exhausting. 

Recently, I went through a little bout of the blues myself – I was having a hard time mustering up the enthusiasm to get out of bed in the morning, and I was just phoning it in at work every day. All I wanted to eat was chocolate and junk food. I couldn’t drag myself to the gym. And at the time, I was dealing with one friend who was constantly suicidal, one who was constantly despondent over a breakup, one who was depressed about her failed career, one who has permanent family problems, and another who is dealing with a terminal illness in the family. And so I found myself doing something I never thought I would do – for the first time, I had to be honest with my friends, and tell them I just wasn’t able to be their shoulder to cry on right now.

Supporting a friend is like dealing with an oxygen mask on an airplane: you have to put your own on before helping someone else. In other words, when you’re trying to help your friend get through tough times, you have to start by prioritizing your own mental health. It makes sense – if you’re an emotional wreck, you’re not really going to be in a place to help other people with their problems. 

With that in mind, from time to time, we all get way too tangled up in our friends’ problems. It’s great to be a loving supportive friend, but it’s also important to set healthy boundaries. If you’ve been supporting someone through a tough spot and it’s starting to wear you down, you may need to take a step back from the stress if:

– your performance at work or school is suffering

– you are experiencing physical symptoms like canker sores, fatigue or upset stomach

– you avoid logging onto your social media/email because you dread talking to your friend

– you are consistently losing sleep

– you feel like your friend is going in circles with this problem and nothing is changing

– you feel panicked whenever you speak to your friend

– you cry more than you used to

– you are unable to concentrate because you are too busy worrying about your friend

– you are no longer seeing friends or participating in your favourite activities because you are spending so much time helping your friend

– you feel overwhelmed with guilt anytime you put your phone down, step away from your computer, or try to go to bed because you are worried your friend might need you

– you feel guilty whenever you are happy or enjoying yourself, because your friend is struggling

– your relationship with other friends, family or your partner is suffering

– you feel your friend is a danger to themselves or others and needs professional help

It’s important to note that taking a break from supporting your friend doesn’t mean leaving them stranded – it’s important to refer them to professional help, or if possible, direct them to another close friend for support for a while. You are not being selfish by taking a break from supporting your friend. You need to maintain good mental health in order to be a support for others, and you have a right to step back from a draining relationship for a little while to regain your own mental health. Even if you’re the sort of person who always puts themselves last, it’s important to learn where to set boundaries, so that you can continue to be helpful to others. Women in particular are often made to feel that they’re being selfish if they’re not giving 110% of themselves to everyone else at all times – that’s bullshit. If you need a break, you need a break. That’s just how it is. 

In a future post, I’ll give you some suggestions for gentle ways to tell your friend that you’re feeling a little overwhelmed. In the meantime, if you’re caught in a difficult situation with a friend, and you don’t know what to do, remember my asks and messages are always open. 

Stay healthy, everyone! And put your own health first!

This is really important. This is also a very personal topic for me.

As being ‘that friend’ who has caused my peers/friends/family a lot of alarm/stress/depression/anxiety, I definitely want to signal boost the crap out of this..

It is horrible being the cause for someone else’s distress. I’ve been ‘it/that’ for a handful of people. I will be that for people in the future. Some people didn’t have the ability or heart to tell me that they needed space, and it left us estranged.

We’ll live. We’ll get through whatever the heck we’re dealing with. Hurting you is (usually) not our intention when we sought help/support from you. We would never want you to feel badly in the first place.

Don’t let your friends’ problems consume you. You are important. Put yourself first, always. Set boundaries and communicate that you’re “checking out” for a little while. A good friend will respect that decision. (And if they don’t, then there’s billions of other people who can be a better friend.)